


As Red the Ruby and as White the Swan

by dimerization



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Angst and Porn, Control Ending, F/F, F/M, Femslash, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Mass Effect 1, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, Multi, Post-Mass Effect 3, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-22
Updated: 2016-02-26
Packaged: 2018-02-26 16:00:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2657936
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dimerization/pseuds/dimerization
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Kaidan and Liara lost their bondmate to the Collectors, it nearly destroyed them, but they got her back in the end.  Now Shepard is gone again, this time forever, and she hasn't even left them with enough of her to bury.  It's hard to keep the gutted remnants of a love alive when you have neither heart nor hope, but it's even harder to really kill a ghost, especially one who wants so badly to come back...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Liara

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to skip the quotes at the start of chapters. They're not actually important right now. This AU is going to get batshit insane at some point though and then at least a few of them will be relevant...

_Victorious she stood as bright the dawn_  
 _Came cracking down upon the burning Earth:_  
 _Young Pyrrhus, her last armsman dead and gone,  
_ _But not before he'd proved his lasting worth._

_And she spilled fire out into the dark,  
_ _And every silver missile found its mark,_

_Burned clean the skies that gave her race its birth._  
 _Who now shall be her people's champion?_  
 _For honor sworn, valor and strength and mirth  
_ _All count for little when the deed is done._

_The truest oaths are broken by the mark  
_ _Of death, who draws us all into the dark._

_As red the ruby and as white the swan_  
 _As blood and shattered bone upon the turf,_  
 _And in the light of battle and the sun  
_ _Her lonely grave became the pounding surf._

_Her light still burns to keep away the dark,  
_ _But no stone stands to give the place its mark_

_Where Heruclea fell..._

– Luigi Serafini, _The Codex Seraphinianus_ , trans. Voiteu T'Amasu and Faye Roxbury (as cited in "The Transtemporal Antecontact Paradox: Exolingual Encoding in Solar Literature and the Aduani-Massus Tesseract Hypothesis" by Ssar'Nunot nar Ovrashael vas Messana, _Journal of the Galactic Assn. of Biophysics_ , Special Report #148: "The Rachni Connection" [iss. 11, vol. 20])

 

* * *

 

There was no body. Kaidan had taken the 0G team out himself to search what was left of the Tower. Liara felt sick at the thought of it, hours combing through ruins in the vacuum of outer space, searching for the shattered remains of a frozen corpse that simply could not be there. She'd shown him the blueprints of the Crucible, the power conduits and the ignition console in the very heart of the central chamber, but he had just stood there with his arms folded and his mouth in a grim line and said over and over again that he was going. Even her tears couldn't sway him, not that they ever had. So she stayed behind, her face buried in Shepard's pillow, breathing in the scent of her.

It was going to be different this time. It was going to be worse. Her first death had torn them apart in ways Liara could never have imagined, but they'd been younger then, their love still opening like a branch of flowers. She'd been shy of the Lieutenant at first, until she realized he was just as shy of her. Shepard seemed to keep shoving them together – it was so transparent now, but at the time... Liara had to drag her face out of her lover's pillow so she could weep, afraid of taking the smell of her hair out of the down. He was so kind, soft-spoken, he liked the quiet, and she found that they both loved to read. They'd gotten to the point of lending each other novels and comparing notes on their crushes on the Commander when she sauntered into the mess one evening and started hitting on both of them at once. It took Kaidan turning bright red and putting his head in his hands for Liara to catch on, and something about his embarrassed laugh made her not even _mind._

“Oh god, did I just blow it?” Shepard had said. But Liara and Kaidan looked at each other and then looked at the Commander and everyone seemed to know the answer without saying a word.

It had been a beautiful month, beginning with a week of shore leave on the Citadel, waking up every morning in a cradle of human arms. Kaidan had a knack for breakfast food and taught her to make omelets without ever making her feel silly for not knowing much about cooking. Shepard made perfect coffee every time – “I can do it in my sleep,” she said, grinning – and Liara would sit and nurse her second cup long after she'd finished eating and watch the two human biotics put away more food than she could consume in three sittings. She and Kaidan lost their bashfulness quickly with Shepard to draw them out, and found themselves holding hands at the dinner table and rolling their eyes at their lover's latest attempt to get them to actually  _do_ something tonight, dammit. They found they could usually dissuade her if they set their minds to it; on their third day in the hotel, Liara found a note in her bathrobe pocket with some thoughts on how best to distract their bondmate. She couldn't decide whether to burst out laughing or die of embarrassment on the spot and so did neither, but left a reply in Kaidan's jeans with a few ideas of her own. 

Together they had been... exquisite. There was a rawness, a heat to the early stages of human sexual involvement that had swept Liara away, and they were certainly an inventive species. She had been shocked and fascinated by the things they would do with their mouths alone. Their first time, on the Normandy, they had been too wrapped up in the intensity of the joining to get creative. But Liara doubted the vividness of some of those memories would ever fade: when she was with them she could feel what they felt, and they could feel each other, and her as well. The sensation of Kaidan inside Shepard had left her clinging to him, gasping as Shepard reached up from below to touch her, and she had been the one who screamed when her lovers came within seconds of each other.

“Goddess, is it usually like this for humans?” she'd asked them later.

_“No,”_ they said in unison.

Liara laughed through her tears at the memory. She wished she could go back there, spend the rest of her existence in those moments, or in the long nights in this bed or curled up together in her cabin. She stroked Shepard's pillow with a trembling hand, her face half-buried in her own. Kaidan's lay behind her, but she couldn't bear to turn to it. He was all she had left now, again, and once again it would not be enough. She sobbed, despair overwhelming her. They had gone two years without touching, two years without so much as seeing each other after Shepard died. At her funeral they had embraced for the last time, briefly, abortively. The feel of his hand in hers had sent a wave of nausea through her, and Kaidan had yanked back from the touch of her skin, staring at her for a long moment across the chasm Shepard had left between them.

“I can't. I'm sorry, Liara. I thought I could, but I can't.” She had burst into tears as he took a step back, then another, crying too hard to see the look on his face. Tali had come over to hug her as Kaidan walked away, his head bowed. She hadn't even bothered to let him know when she and Feron recovered Shepard's body. She'd known he would have asked what she was going to do with it.

 


	2. Kaidan

_How should I your true love know  
_    _From another one?  
_   _By his cockle hat and staff_ ,  
   _And his sandal shoon_.

_He is dead and gone, lady_ ,  
   _He is dead and gone_ ,  
  _At his head a grass-green turf_ ,  
   _At his heels a stone_.

– William Shakespeare, _Hamlet,_ Act IV, Scene V, ll. 22-29 (abr.)

 

* * *

 

There was no body. Shepard would have made him buy Liara a beer. Kaidan sat in the back of the shuttle, arms braced on his knees, head bowed, silent. He had to give the crew credit for never objecting, never complaining, not when he ordered the hasty repairs, not when he took them up to the Citadel, not when he threw together a team for the spacewalk to search for the Commander's – for Shepard. Even EDI had kept her mouth shut for a change. It was charitable of them, he guessed, to ignore his lack of professionalism in the face of his grief. Everyone's grief.

Cortez brought them in fast and quiet, ending the vigil in the shuttle with a soft, “Docking clamps engaged, we're green. Decompressing. Thanks, Joker.” And the hatch hissed open. Kaidan was the last to disembark, his crewmen ahead of him, shedding helmets and EV suits slowly, no jokes or claps on the back this time. Tali's back was to him; she was in conference with Garrus, filling him in on the mission or on Kaidan, more probably. He couldn't make himself care. Only James met his eyes, leaning against a console, a question in his face. Kaidan shook his head ever so slightly, and the marine turned away.

They let him board the elevator alone, and he was grateful. A kind word just then would have broken him like glass, and he needed everything he had to face Liara. He stood stiffly, his helmet under his arm, still encased in his hardsuit, not even bothering to take the gloves off. What the fuck was he going to say to her? It would be so much worse, it already was. He shut his eyes and her face seemed painted on the back of his eyelids, weeping, weeping.

They'd found each other in the middle of the Hector's hold after the loss of the SR1, and he had seized her, shaky with relief to see just one of his bondmates alive. The slender asari had always felt so fragile in his arms beside Shepard's solid weight, for all she was the more powerful biotic. It seemed to him that if Liara had survived then Shepard _must_ have, and they were bound to find her inside the next life pod, or the next, swaggering a little and saying that she hoped she hadn't scared them _too_ bad and then hugging them both so tight that the most casual of observers would have called bullshit on her bravado. But they found Joker instead, alone on the floor of the last pod jettisoned, so many bones broken that it took three medics to get him onto a stretcher. Liara asked him about the Commander, clutching at the throat of her suit, and the pilot had looked away, and she had crumpled into Kaidan's arms as the world went silent around him.

Most days he thought he'd been a coward to leave her. If he could have just kept himself going in the face of her initial, hysterical grief, just held her through it – just, just, just. He couldn't sleep beside her with Shepard's absence like a block of ice between them, and the touch of her hand at the funeral had made his stomach heave. It had shocked him so badly that he'd turned tail and run. He still wasn't sure if he'd been trembling with nausea or with horror that taking his bondmate's hand could make him physically sick. And then Shepard had returned.

Kaidan knew it would be different this time. They were older people, stronger people maybe, tempered by grief and loss and the terrible war, all shell and no substance, the way you got after a long time spent laying down ice thick enough to skate across the fear and the old betrayals. And they had lost someone different too, a harder woman and a deader one. There had been a curious rhythmic blankness to her after she'd come back, layered deep under the jokes and the rage and pumping blood. She was still Shepard, she still feared and fucked and loved and crushed people's skulls in, but her heart beat on a timer and her eyes were a little emptier. You had to listen, really _listen_ when she talked – emotions had come out of her like ticker tape instead of rolling off her skin. They'd lost a living mind inside the world's most beautifully preserved corpse, Frankenstein's monster, Robocop. But oh, it had been _her_ in there.

He leaned on the wall beside the door to Shepard's cabin, forehead pillowed on his fist. Staff Lt. Alenko and the young Dr. T'Soni had bent and torn under the weight of her first death, but they had grown around the stones and empty spaces until Shepard could clamber up into their boughs again. This time? He felt old, brittle and hollow. His dad was dead. His mom was waiting for him. His surviving bondmate needed him. He was never going to see Shepard again. Kaidan clenched his jaw and reached out to open the door.


	3. Shepard

_“He_ what?”

_“Shepard, you don't understand – ”_

_“The hell I don't! He just_ left _you?”_

_“Well...”_

_“Goddamn it, I'll fucking kill him.”_

_“Shepard, please.”_

_“He fucking lied to me, Liara! He lied to me about you!”_

_“I... can see why.”_

_“Fucking hell.” She collapses into the chair by Liara's desk, fighting the urge to punch something. Her bondmate – ex-bondmate – stares down at her hands. “Fine, just say it.” Liara sighs._

_“Without you... It was like taking his hand and walking off a cliff. You were our center, Shepard. You were the bedrock our bond was built on. With you gone, there was nothing.” She's visibly upset, but Shepard is almost too angry to care._

_“That's bullshit and you know it. You guys were so good together, you had something real. You didn't see what I saw, Liara.” All the wind goes out of her sails. She buries her face in her hands. “You lit up the whole damn room.” A deep breath. “Is it over, then?”_

_“I think so. I'm so sorry, my love.” Shepard's eyes are dull over her steepled fingers._

_“Is there anything left between any of us?” Liara holds out a hand to her, and the look on her face makes Shepard ache with longing. She presses the asari's fingers to her lips and Liara shuts her eyes._

_“Yes. Yes, there is.”_


	4. Liara

_To hell, allegiance! vows, to the blackest devil!_   
_Conscience and grace, to the profoundest pit!_   
_I dare damnation. To this point I stand,_   
_That both the worlds I give to negligence,_   
_Let come what comes; only I'll be revenged_   
_Most thoroughly..._

\- William Shakespeare, _Hamlet,_ Act IV, Scene V, ll. 147-152

 

* * *

 

Liara looked up when Kaidan entered the cabin, then buried her face in her pillow again, unable to bear the sight of him still in his armor. As if she were a foreign contaminant, or an enemy, she thought, fists clenched in the comforter. Goddess, he was leaving her again. But she would be fine this time; she'd just go on with her work, the same as she'd always done. She didn't twitch as he began to snap his hardsuit off, piling the plating on Shepard's desk by the clatter. Not even the set of her shoulders acknowledged his presence as he padded to the bed and sat down slowly on the mattress, unzipping the the throat of his coveralls with a soft sigh. She felt him sit forward, putting his head in his hands.

“You were right,” he said quietly. Only then did she look at him. Kaidan sagged, his shoulders hunched, making him seem two sizes smaller.

“I know.” He turned to her, his face haggard.

“I'm sorry, Liara.”

“Why did you go then?”

“I thought maybe... it was my turn, this time.” Her only reply was a bitter laugh.

“I'm sorry,” he said again. The silence stretched between them.

“Well,” she said at length, “now what?” She didn't mean for the Normandy.

“I don't know,” said Kaidan.

“I have to get back to Thessia. I suppose you have things to do here, don't you.” He flinched.

“Yeah.”

“That answers that, then.”

“Liara...”

“What?” She sat up, glaring at him.

“There's nothing I have to do on Earth that's more important than staying here with you.”

“What?” She still clutched at her anger like a shield, unable to believe her ears. Kaidan's brown eyes seemed a million miles deep.

“I don't think I can do this alone. Can you?” Liara looked down, her fists uncurling slowly.

“I can. I could. But I don't want to,” she said. Kaidan held out his arms to her, his face tight with misery, and she crawled into his embrace like a child. His cheek on hers was warm and comforting, just skin, rough with his stubble. She wanted nothing so much as to cry, but she had no tears left just then.

“She's gone again.” His voice shook.

“I know.” Hers, perversely, did not.

“Oh god, Liara, what do we _do?”_

“I have no idea.”

“She was just here. She was _just here._ And now...” Shepard was atoms, space dust, dead. Purged in the cleansing fire that had sent the Reapers soaring back into the endless void, smashed the Mass Relays to bits and blown the Citadel apart – she had struck the spark off herself and been consumed. Liara buried her face in Kaidan's shoulder, and every thump of his pulse in her ear beat out the words, _she's lost, she's lost, she's lost._


	5. Shepard

_Hagalaz. The storm sighs through the hull of Liara's new ship. Her quarters are dim, enormous, and almost comfortable. She and Feron claimed the smallest rooms for themselves, wholly unwilling to sleep in yahg territory, but the ship is immense. Shepard wonders who had it built – Liara's predecessor? It's certainly his size. She gave them some spare gear from the Normandy, the barrack bunks striking her as a little dubious. Perched on the slab of a desk, she kicks her heels idly as Liara tosses the last pillow onto her new mattress, which they've set up on the floor._

_“There, that's the bed. Thank you, Shepard.”_

_“No problem. Can't have you getting lice or something.”_

_“I'm not even going to ask what that is.” Liara crosses the room, boosting herself up to sit beside Shepard. She sighs. “I still can't believe I'm doing this.”_

_“Really? I can.” Liara shakes her head._

_“You're just saying that.”_

_“I am not!” Shepard leans over to give her a gentle shove with one shoulder. Liara shoves back, smiling._

_“You are such a liar.”_

_“_ You _are such a badass, babe. If anyone can run this operation, it's you. I know it.” Liara looks down, pleased and embarrassed. God, Shepard can still make her eyelashes flutter. She nudges the asari with her elbow, their armor clacking in the quiet. Liara shakes her head._

_“Humans. I'll never understand. Two years apart and all I get is an elbow in the ribs.” Shepard looks up into dancing blue eyes._

_“How's this, then?” And she leans over and kisses her. Liara's lips are soft, her cheek a little cool under Shepard's palm. She draws back a little to give Liara a moment if she needs it, but she just reaches up to tuck a lock of Shepard's hair behind her ear._

_“Oh, my dearest,” she whispers, and Shepard gathers her into her arms._

_It's hard to make out in full armor. Your arm guards rattle against your girlfriend's plated suit, and the servos in your boots aren't programmed for footsies. You can't kiss her neck when she's got that high ceramic collar in the way, and then there's your damn breastplate. They collapse into giggles when Liara's attempt to slip a leg over Shepard's thighs sends them rebounding off each other._

_“I give up,” she says, dropping her head to Shepard's shoulder._

_“The hell with this.” Shepard rises and starts dismantling her hardsuit right there, making a pile beside her discarded helmet and gauntlets on the table. It would be quicker with Kaidan helping, he knows all the catches and fastenings, but – she bends to wrestle with a greave, trying to stop feeling his warmth behind her as he works his fingers under her back piece, drawing it off over her shoulders and stooping to kiss her neck... Small, blue hands appear at her knee, pressing the release for her._

_“There.”_

_“Damn thing,” Shepard mutters, stepping out of it gingerly, afraid to meet Liara's eyes._

_But “Let me help with that” is all she says. Together they strip Shepard down to her coveralls and stockinged feet, and Shepard leans forward to kiss her as Liara unfastens her plated jacket and lets it fall. This time Liara is soft in her arms, and Shepard can feel her heart beating through her undershirt as she pulls her close. Liara's fingers tangle in her hair as they kiss, tugging until Shepard groans into her mouth. Her hands are under Liara's shirt as the asari yanks at the zipper on her coveralls, pushing the collar aside so she can sink her teeth into her lover's neck. The breath leaves Shepard's body in a rush as pain sings through her, and Liara gives her a gentle shove back towards the bed, eyes burning. She steps onto the air mattress carefully and drops to her knees as Liara moves forward, unclasping her armored leggings._

_Shepard reaches up to help Liara step out of the last of her armor, gazing up at her, lips parted. As soon as Liara is free of the plating she's pushing her back onto the bed, her mouth hungry on Shepard's as she straddles her. Shepard runs her hands up her lover's thighs and under her shirt again, filling her hands with Liara's soft breasts. The asari shuts her eyes and grinds slowly against Shepard's pelvis as she circles a nipple with a gentle thumb, and Shepard tugs her down, pushing her shirt aside so she can kiss her there, tongue playing lightly over her sensitive skin. Liara moans, pulling her shirt off one-handed as Shepard turns her attentions to the other nipple, and then Liara's fingers lock in her hair again and drag her head back down onto the mattress._

_“My turn,” Liara breathes. All Shepard can think is, oh god. She bites her lip as Liara finishes unzipping her coveralls, fingers cool on her skin all the way down to her navel, and then she's up on her elbows as those small hands tug the sleeves down off her arms. Shepard lies back, naked to the waist, and Liara practically collapses on top of her, biting her lip and then her neck and then her breast, her nails digging into her skin._

_“Fuck,” Shepard gasps, and Liara sucks on her hard enough to leave a mark, making her moan. “Oh god, I want you.” They roll over together, Shepard's arm wrapped around Liara's waist, and she rests her weight on her elbows and rubs her thigh slowly between Liara's legs. Her lover's breath comes harder as she humps her, grinding against her thigh til Liara starts yanking on her coveralls. Shepard rises to finish stripping, then kneels again to help Liara out of her leggings. She throws their clothes off into the dark, not even sparing a glance for where they land as she bends to kiss Liara softly between her legs._

_They call it 'azure' for a reason. Her skin is deep blue there, almost navy, with pale freckles fading darker as the folds of her sex deepen. She is ridged like a seashell, the delicate texture of her skin echoing that of her crests, especially now, when she is swollen with arousal. She is so sensitive that direct touch is almost impossible for her to bear, but the nerve endings lie protected in her folds, which a lover may safely kiss and rub. Shepard sucks on her gently, then harder, til Liara moans under her stroking tongue._

_“Shepard – wait – ” She looks up and Liara cups her face between her hands, eyes glowing in the dimness, and then they are joined. Sensation floods Shepard's body: the sheets smooth against Liara's skin, her azure throbbing with pleasure and desire, the dips of her own scars under her lover's fingers, and – joy. Painful joy, with grief behind it deep enough to make you cry, loss and wholeness and yet something incomplete: she's changed, and Kaidan is not with them. She can feel Liara's wonder at the differences in her, and if it had been all three of them together she would have explored her beloveds' thoughts carefully, but Liara's sorrow at his absence burns right to her heart, where she multiplies it a hundredfold. It's been more than two years of work and focus for her sweetheart, but only a few months of consciousness for Shepard, most of it spent hoping that maybe, maybe, if she could just see them again... But he had left Liara, and then he'd lead Shepard on, he'd lied. She clenches her fists in the sheets and Liara sits up and kisses her._

_“Let me show you, dear heart,” she whispers._

_“Okay.” And then, a memory._

 

Some hotel room. On the Citadel? _Yes, Liara tells her._ Green bedspread, white pillows, forgiving, yellow light. Kaidan is in fatigues, hunched up against the headboard, his head in his hands. He looks up as Liara sits down beside him. He's drawn, exhausted, dark circles around his eyes, like he hasn't slept for days. She puts a weary hand on his knee. He covers it with a warm palm, almost hot against asari skin, his attempt at a smile more painful than if he'd done nothing at all. Neither of them are looking forward to the funeral.

“Oh, Kaidan.” Liara leans against him, tears burning in her eyes. She can't seem to stop crying, she feels like she's done nothing but cry and sleep for days. He rubs her back, silent. She doesn't know what to say to him, doesn't know what to do, can't even take care of herself, let alone anyone else. Certainly not someone who barely speaks anymore. She looks at him miserably and he looks back, just _looks._ Humans go into shock sometimes, she's heard; maybe this is it.

“I'm sorry,” he says quietly. And goddess dammit, she's crying harder, too hard for her to speak. She shakes her head mutely, one hand pressed against her mouth. He reaches out and hugs her, rocking them back and forth, back and forth til the storm subsides. She leans against him, drawing slow, shuddering breaths.

“Sorry. I didn't mean to do that.”

“It's okay.”

“I'm so sick of crying,” she says, laughing a little.

“I envy you.”

“You haven't cried at all yet?”

“I can't.” Liara feels his jaw clench. “I don't know why.” She strokes his chest gently. This is another human thing she doesn't understand, can't speak to. The silence lengthens.

“I miss her,” she whispers. Kaidan kisses her forehead.

“Me too.”

“I wish I hadn't left her. Oh, but she made me. Goddess!” Her fists clench. “Why couldn't she have been – why did they – _fuck!”_

“We all had our orders.”

“But I was _with_ her, not fifteen minutes before – ”

“Liara.”

“Yes?”

“Will you show me?” It's the first thing she's heard him ask of anyone since the attack. Maybe it will be better to share the memory, maybe with him to hold onto, it won't be such a burden. She doesn't know, hardly dares to hope. But she turns up her face and kisses him.

It's not the feel of Kaidan that strikes her first – it's Shepard's absence. She was so buoyant, fairly dancing between them, every touch of her mind singing with delight that they were there, _hers,_ Liara and Kaidan like anchors, wishes granted, guiding stars. Her happiness was infectious, intoxicating, the fruit of a love that had grown fast from deep roots. It might have scared them both if not for Shepard's sheer _gladness_ welling up around them, and the care she took to see that they were both happy, both comfortable, both safe. It was one thing to hear a human make a promise and another thing to join with her and feel that fierce, protective sincerity, to take Kaidan's hand as they embraced her between them, smiling as wide as Shepard smiled.

But now she's gone. There is no light, no rejoicing, no warm-bodied woman pressing herself against them. They are alone in the dark with their grief, curled up in one corner of a huge, empty bed, and there is nothing. Liara feels herself falling, falling, spinning out into some nameless void, the speed of her descent sucking the air from her lungs. Kaidan is with her, tumbling down and down, and he's sobbing, _screaming_ their loss, _Shepard, Shepard, Shepard, come back, please come back!_ She panics, snatching at her memories and finding only air, Shepard's face in the mess hall, the Normandy exploding against a backdrop of distant stars –

 _“No!”_ Liara doesn't know who cried out. But the joining shatters like a thrown bottle – she's on her side on the comforter, the world going blue and green and white – and Kaidan is across the room, staggering back against the wall. She sits up, staring at him wide-eyed as he crumples to the ground, labored breathing giving way to huge, gasping sobs. He's kneeling on the carpet, head bent nearly to the floor, his entire body wracked with tears, and she can't move, can't go to him. She draws her knees up to her chest and curls into a ball, tensing every muscle so as not to shake with shock and terror. They had reached out to one another for solace and there had been nothing, _nothing._

Eventually, when she feels sure she can walk again, she leaves. She can still hear Kaidan crying as she shuts the door. They sleep in separate rooms that night, and she lets him go down to breakfast alone before ducking in to pick up her clothing for the funeral.

 

_For a moment, Shepard thinks she's crying. Then she realizes it's Liara and hugs her tight, letting all her weight rest on her lover. Shock and regret pour out of her, and Liara sends back love and sorrow. They had been so beautiful, her bondmates, her perfect circle, those two thick as thieves, gleeful co-conspirators plotting to make her happy, adoring each other with a shy delight that satisfied her beyond words. And she had torn them apart –_

_“No, Shepard, not you. Never you.”_

_“But I_ left _you!”_

_“You died, my love. You didn't mean to.”_

_“And he lied to me. Why did he lie?”_

_“He didn't, not really. It ended that day, Shepard. I could have gone after him if I'd wanted. I chose not to.”_

_“You loved each other so much.” She wishes she could cry, but she hasn't, not since Cerberus brought her back. There's something wrong with her body, it's not quite the same, not quite... Liara lets this pass._

_“We did. Maybe...”_

_“Maybe what?” And Liara sends her all her love for Kaidan, his big, squared-off hands and his patience, his steadiness, his honesty, his humor, the way he pauses to plan out everything he says, except when he doesn't and something slips out that makes them laugh and laugh, that bookishness that Shepard regards with the curiosity of a friendly outsider, his cock inside his human lover, his tongue hot on Liara's skin. The golden roundness of his happy thoughts. The way he holds them both so tight. The years have taken the edge off but it's still there, the things she misses are still real, still good about him._

_“Oh god,” Shepard whispers. But she can't help feeling him in her mind, his arms around her, a pancake flipping above a frying pan, the quick wave of a hand that shimmers blue above his cover, I'm okay, Commander. On top of her as Liara watches, pulling her knee up toward her chest, his eyes dropping shut as he presses into her with a long, slow breath –_

_Liara kisses her hungrily, and fuck, Shepard is there, her whole body on fire. They tangle in the sheets, first one on top, then the other, Liara's hand between Shepard's legs, dragging her fingers through the wetness there. They gasp together as Liara teases her clitoris, heat gathering in Shepard's hips, unbearable and sweet. No, fuck, she wants – but the asari is already turning above her, pressing that glorious pussy down onto Shepard's mouth, stroking her with a delicate hand, and Shepard moans against her, making her catch her breath. She sucks slowly, running her tongue up and down this crevice, then that one, curling her arms over Liara's thighs. It rolls over them steadily, broad and slow and warm with Shepard's pleasure flame-bright at its center._

_Liara's using her whole hand now, thighs trembling as her own caresses threaten to overwhelm them both. Shepard moves her jaw to rub her lips up and down the length of Liara's azure, then flattens out her tongue and shakes her head quickly, back and forth, back and forth – some things do translate neatly from one species to another. Liara cries out above her, maybe saying her name, maybe not, and Shepard moans in answer, arching her back as her whole body tenses. They hang on the brink together, ecstasy gathering between them slow as dewdrops on a petal, and then at last they fall._

_The human orgasm comes in waves, rising higher and higher to a narrow peak and then dropping off into blissful exhaustion, but the asari are not dependent on muscular contractions for reproduction. Their physical climax hits all in a rush and sweeps them up for a long moment, and they bask in the pleasure until at last they are released to curl up beside their lovers, letting the joining dissipate or sharing their partners' dreams as they so choose. When you time it right, the combination of the two is more or less incapacitating, and Liara and Shepard have plenty of experience. When it's over she hardly has the strength to drag the covers up over them. Liara collapses onto her chest, lost in the slow thrum of Shepard's nerves and the tremors in her muscles._

_“Goddess,” she murmurs. Shepard wraps an arm around her waist and squeezes her gently._

_“I love you.”_

_“I love you too, dear heart.” Liara's soft kiss on her collarbone is the last thing she feels before she drops out of the joining into sleep, but when she dreams, she dreams of him._


	6. Shepard

_Shepard's in the old XO's office, digging through a crate of grenades._

_“God dammit, this fucking retrofit – ” Rattling through the canisters with more force than necessary. She comes up with a grenade pouch. “Motherfuckers, they have to hide this shit up here instead of keeping it in the goddamn armory.” A single footfall is all she needs to hear to place him. Shepard straightens, her mouth tight. Kaidan is standing in the doorway._

_“I think the rest of the ammo's in the shuttle bay,” she says._

_“That's not why I'm up here.” The door hisses shut behind him. She loads up on grenades, her movements quick and angry._

_“You here to tell me why you lied?”_

_“What?” He stops short._

_“You said you broke it off together. You_ said – ” _shove “ – it was_ amicable.” _Snap. “'I don't know, Shepard. After all this settles down, Shepard.'”_

_“Oh, Jesus. That was over a year ago.” He sounds sorry, but she doesn't care. Earth is a war zone, Anderson's in the middle of it, and she's stuck in space with her goddamn lying ex about to go wait on the Council's good motherfucking graces. She sure hopes he's sorry._

_“Do you know what she went through in the last three years? She's the only reason I'm alive, did anyone tell you that?” She rounds on him, hands full of explosives. “She risked her life to save me while you were off getting your ass promoted.”_

_“Shepard...” He's pinching the bridge of his nose._

_“What?” she snarls._

_“It was, it was complicated. When we lost you, god. This huge piece of us was gone. You were – ”_

_“Yeah, yeah, she gave me the heart and soul spiel already.”_

_“She did?” He's so taken aback that it brings her up short for a second._

_“She said I was our center. She said without me, you had nothing to hold you up.” He lets out a long breath._

_“Yeah.”_

_“That's crap. I know you loved her.”_

_“I d-- I did.”_

_“Then you shouldn't have walked out on her.” She brushes past him._

_“Shepard – ” But he doesn't quite dare grab her arm. The door closes behind her and she stalks to the elevator, her implants singing with misery. That treacherous voice in her gut whispers, you're just pissed that you can't have him anymore. She grits her teeth and slaps the door close button, heading for the shuttle bay._

 

~~~

 

_God, it's good to see Liara again. It's been six months at least – too much time. She never was hotter than when she was ripping Cerberus troops to shreds with her biotics. Well, except when she was riding someone's face... But Shepard can't think about that now. She's afraid it might be difficult with Kaidan there, but he and Liara are cool and professional, exchanging nods and pleasantries without quite seeming to meet each others' eyes. As they duck into cover, she wonders why she worried. If any of the three of them have issues with professionalism, it's definitely her._

_And they still work well together. No, not well – perfectly. Shepard's never been any good at dancing, but she imagines this is what it feels like when you're a pro with an old, skilled partner: like mind-reading, like water, like silk and steel and fire. During every firefight they're fast, united, hardly needing to call out to one another as they take down squad after Cerberus squad. It feels good to fight again, and it feels better to be with them working toward a common goal. Liara's barrier sends a grenade the other two didn't even see sailing back among their enemies; Kaidan knocks out the shields of a centurion who's sneaking up behind her and she whirls to take the bastard out; she lines up three biotic detonations in a row for the other two and they don't miss a mark, sending the last trooper scurrying for cover as Liara bears down on her, fists glittering. For a moment they almost smile at each other in the quiet after the fight, faces hidden behind their helmets, reloading, but then they remember themselves and go back to watching the exits. Shepard gnaws the inside of her cheek, tasting metal. They're standing_ right _here and she misses them so goddamn much._

_But Cerberus halts their progress at the tramway. Kaidan ducks out to search fallen enemies and Shepard pauses for breath, alone with Liara for a moment or two. She's scarier now that she's the Shadow Broker, but Shepard kind of likes it, even when those big, blue eyes are boring a hole in her skull._

_“What?”_

_“The Major has become very... capable.” She only_ kind _of likes it._

_“That he has,” she says shortly._

_“Shepard! I found something.” She grinds her teeth. Showtime. Kaidan is kneeling by the rail._

_“What do you got?”_

_“He's got a transmitter in his helmet. If I can – ” He yanks back. “My god. Looks like a husk.”_

_“Yeah, but not quite. They've definitely done something to him.” She kneels, tilting the corpse's head back to squint at the modified Reaper tech behind his eyes. How much of this shit has she got in her, she wonders. Damn the Illusive Man to hell._

_“And by 'they' you mean Cerberus? They did this to their own guy? Is this what they did to you?” It's Shepard's turn to yank back, spinning on her heels, spitting mad._

_“How can you compare me to him?”_

_“Shepard, I don't know what you are. Or who. Not since Cerberus rebuilt you.”_

_“You fucking asshole! You don't know,_ you _don't know – ”_

_“For all I know you could be their puppet, dammit, controlled by the Illusive Man himself!”_

_“Kaidan – ”_

_“Yeah, spare me. I don't think I'd understand anyway.”_

_“Join the fucking club.” Scumbag, she adds silently._

_“What's that supposed to mean?”_

_“We talked about this already.”_

_“Jesus, are you really – ”_

_“Yes, Kaidan, I'm really. You don't know who I am anymore? I don't think I ever fucking knew you.” She braces her arms on the railing, seething, while his hurt silence stretches out behind her._

_“I just want to know, is the person that we followed to hell and back, the person that we loved... Are you still in there? Somewhere?” he says softly. She stares down at her hands, unable to look at him._

_“I could ask you the same question."_

_“Shepard...” His fingers are light on her shoulder. She turns away._

_“There's nothing I can say that will convince you, is there.”_

_“Probably not.”_

_“You always were a stubborn bastard.”_

“Me?” _Even after everything she can still make him laugh. That's something, isn't it?_


	7. Kaidan

_No, when the Devil comes for me_  
 _I will not beg, nor ask him how_  
 _To soar above when only he  
_ _Can end the pain I suffer now_

 _For I would sell my soul to go_  
 _And pass perhaps an hour or two,_  
 _And bloom by bloom, and row by row,  
_ _Walk where the roses, roses grew._

– John K. Waverly, “Queen Mary's Gardens,” _Remembrances of Lost London, vol. II,_ ed. Malinda Heaney

 

* * *

 

Shepard's last bottle of bourbon was only half-empty. Kaidan stood for a long moment with the cap in his hand, eyes shut, just smelling the liquor. It was always her favorite, he thought. He'd spent so many nights bickering with her about cocktails – “My god, put more crap in that glass! Don't you want to taste your booze? Christ, you'd think I cheap out on this shit, do you put Coke in your goddamn wine,” “Oh, just try it,” waving the old fashioned at her, “No! Where the hell did you even _get_ that orange” – Kaidan opened his eyes, setting the whiskey carefully on her desk. This one's for you, love, he thought, pouring himself a generous double, neat, and sitting down.

The first sip rolled smooth across his tongue, big and round and faintly sweet. The warmth of it crept through him like a kiss after a firefight. He didn't bother to set the glass down before taking another mouthful. It was rough, hot, a fierce hug with your armor still on and your wounds in field dressing, thank god you're alive but sweetheart, _ow._ Kaidan held the liquor up to the light, admiring the amber color. Shepard's model ship collection made a fine backdrop. The tiny SR1 winked at him through the glass, _Normandy, Normandy._ He put his elbows on the desk and buried his head in his hands.

God, that night before Ilos, the look in her eyes when she'd reached out and taken their hands. Shepard grabbing his shirtfront as she kissed Liara, pulling her close; Liara breaking away and reaching up to touch him with a tentative hand; stepping into their embrace as Shepard surged up against him. The two of them pressed against his chest; kissing Liara, Shepard's mouth on his neck. Their eyes lighting up when they finally got his clothes off; seeing them naked in each others' arms, so beautiful it drove the breath from his lungs. Watching Liara join with Shepard, the human collapsing against him, momentarily overwhelmed, and then all of them were together and he felt Shepard smile three different ways at once.

Kaidan took another drink of whiskey. All he wanted was to hold them, to feel their arms around his neck, laughing as they dragged him back to bed. Any minute now he might wake from this nightmare between them, Liara's back against his side and Shepard's arm flung across his chest. She'd snored sometimes, these adorable little wheezes that made Liara giggle. The asari had woken him up in the middle of the night that first time they slept together – “Is Shepard all right, Kaidan? What's she doing?” and his laugh had woken her, “What? I do _not._ Insubordination! Insub– ” and Liara had crawled across him to shut her up with a kiss. The smile vanished from Kaidan's face the moment he felt it there. Shepard was dead now. God, no, not again.

It seemed like her first death should have given him a leg-up on the mourning process. He'd been through it once already, all those months of waking up every morning to that split-second of blessed forgetfulness before it dawned on him that she was gone. Three solar years he'd spent without her, without either of them, buried in his work, learning to teach, learning to command. The rumors that Shepard was alive had hit him like a two-by-four – he'd nearly reached out to Liara, just to see if the ridiculous whispers were true. But he hadn't quite dared. Neither had he dared believe them, not until Anderson refused to answer his questions. That had been the real shock, that there was something behind it all big enough for the Admiral to snow him instead of just denying it outright. He'd gone home that night and gotten drunk.

He'd called her a ghost on Horizon, and he'd meant it. Staggering out of the stasis field, the sun hours lower in the sky, the Collector ship fading into the upper atmosphere, had been eerie enough. Hurrying toward the center of the compound he'd heard her voice, and at first he'd told himself it was just wishful thinking, another hallucination born of grief and crazy hope, like the people he'd see in crowds with her hair, her gait, her eyes, whipping around to find an old lady, a smiling saleswoman, a teenage boy. But he'd rounded the last bend and there she was, Garrus too, her profile unmistakable beside her even more distinctive XO. The big scar on her cheek was gone, replaced by a hundred little seams across her face, but it was _her._ And then he'd hugged her and she had been real, solid in his arms, her sharp eyes searching his.

What had she said? “It's been too long”? It wasn't until she asked after him and Liara so casually, like she'd bumped into them at a cocktail party, that he'd gotten angry. After all that anguish, watching Liara disintegrate in front of him, walking away while she just let him go... It had been the first fight of many. Liara liked to say that humans made too many assumptions. Well, she was the Shadow Broker. She didn't have to assume _anything_ . She was also probably right. Kaidan drained his glass and poured himself another, toasting Shepard silently. It really _was_ good bourbon.

“Oh no, Kaidan.” Liara was standing in the doorway.

“Hey.”

“What is that? The whiskey? Give it here.” She was setting her datapads on the desk and reaching for the bottle. Kaidan held onto it. Slim, blue fingers wrapped around the neck and tugged. He just looked at her. Liara sighed.

“What was it she always said? Don't drink alone, Kaidan. Never alone.” He shut his eyes, but he let go of the whiskey.

“She never could take her own advice.”

“No,” Liara agreed. But to his surprise, she didn't turn to the liquor cabinet. Instead, she hooked the second chair over with one foot and sat down beside him, taking a swig straight from the bottle. “She was right. It is better straight.”

“Neat.” He clinked his glass against the neck of the bottle. They drank.

“Neat, then.”

“I don't know if it's better all the time, or just tonight.”

“What do you mean?”

“Tonight, it tastes like her.” Liara shut her eyes for a moment, then bent her head to smell the liquor.

“Yes,” she whispered. He took her hand.

“God, I miss her.” Tears rolled down Liara's cheeks and she dashed them away.

“I am so _sick_ of crying! After that damn funeral – goddess, I hate those things.” Neither of them had had the heart to speak. Hackett had talked about heroism and valor and duty, and various dignitaries had filed past with medal after posthumous medal, and then at last Tali had helped Garrus limp up to the podium, where together they told every funny story about the Commander they could remember. Kaidan had tuned out the speeches from the politicians and the brass – the only one he'd have cared to hear from was Anderson, whose service was that afternoon. Liara had sat wooden through it all until Garrus got to the time they'd had to _carry_ Shepard out of Purgatory, and then as the crowd laughed around her she'd burst into tears on Kaidan's shoulder. He remembered that night too – he'd been in bed reading when they'd hauled Shepard in, Liara rolling her eyes, Garrus absolutely beside himself with mirth, and the Commander staggering as she bragged about the krogan she'd drunk under the table.

“But what meaning does a drinking contest even have with a species who can't consume alcohol?” Liara had demanded, dumping her on the bed. Shepard had considered this carefully.

 _“Victory.”_ And Garrus had doubled up, howling, as Shepard snuggled into the curve of Kaidan's arm, reeking of gin and cigarettes, and passed out with a contented smile on her face. She'd had a silly streak, although she kept it well-hidden from almost everyone; he suspected it was the root of her teasing as well as her amusing tendency to take everything too seriously. But Kaidan wasn't smiling. He and Liara both stared miserably at their drinks. They looked at each other and he tossed back his whiskey as she took a long pull from the bottle.

“Hang on.” He stood to get her a glass, and found he was drunker than he'd realized. Good bourbon. The bottle was maybe – _maybe_ – a third full by the time he was done with his inebriated attempt to pour them each a finger of the stuff. Liara picked hers up and sipped it, staring past Shepard's model ships at the wide, white bed.

“I'm glad you're with me,” she said. He put his hand on her knee.

“Me too. Liara...”

“Are you going to apologize for leaving again? You know you don't have to.”

“I know it was hard on you, though.”

“Of course it was hard on me. Shepard was dead. Everything was hard.” Her mouth trembled and she pressed her lips together, fingers clenching around her glass. Kaidan squeezed her knee gently.

“Don't,” she said. He took his hand away. She sighed. “I'm sorry. It's just... been a long day.” She pressed his arm and he grimaced at her gratefully.

“It's okay.” A silence.

“How are you, Kaidan?” He rubbed his eyes with a weary hand.

“Horrible.”

“Me too.”

“Go figure, right? Shepard dies and we're both wrecks again.” He laughed bitterly.

“The worst part is that I don't think she ever really believed she'd survive this war. She was...”

“I know.” The weight of it in her mind, leaden and dull. She'd worked so hard to keep it buried, but sometimes even Kaidan saw it when they were together. Her fury at the Reapers seemed endless, but it had a bottom: her icy readiness to die again and take them with her this time. Shepard seemed to feel she owed them.

“It just makes me wonder. If she was planning on dying all this time, why did she take us back?” Kaidan followed Liara's stare to that third pillow on their bed, his throat tight, trying to decide if it would be worse to reply 'Because she loved us' or to just say he didn't know.

 


	8. Liara

_Oh, my love_  
 _Some of us I know are bound to die_  
 _Oh, my love  
_ _How it breaks my heart to see you cry_

\- The Brothers Four, “Darlin', Won't You Wait”

 

* * *

 

The room felt empty without Shepard in it. She had been no good at sitting still, always talking, pacing, leaning on her desk or over it as she worked, or sitting at it and fidgeting in her chair as she tapped out a report on her terminal, interrupting Liara with a kiss and a fresh mug of tea, “How's the Shadow Brokering?” “It would go better if you'd let me do it.” “Sorry, babe.” And she'd go feed the fish. Liara opened Shepard's dresser, pushing her fatigues aside and pulling out an old Alliance Marines t-shirt. It smelled like her. She buried her face in it, hands clenched in the soft cotton, and did not turn at Kaidan's soft step behind her.

“Do you want me to sleep on the couch?” he said.

“No.” She lowered the shirt slowly, leaning back against Kaidan's chest. He put his arms around her. He was warm, solid and comforting. Liara was tired of being alone with her grief. She'd spent two solar years learning how to go on without her bondmates, how to bury herself in her work to the exclusion of all else, driving herself forward with the all-important mission, as Shepard had done. She didn't want to do it anymore.

“Are you sure?” Liara turned in Kaidan's arms, cupping his face between her hands, Shepard's shirt pressed to his cheek.

“Yes,” she said. He shut his eyes, turning his head to bury his mouth in the cotton, and drew a long, shaky breath.

“Okay,” he whispered into her palm.

“Would you rather not?”

“No.” He released her slowly and turned toward the bed, a little unsteady on his feet. They were both drunk. Liara didn't watch as he began to strip off his uniform, but turned her attention to her own clothing, tossing her top and leggings on the floor and slipping Shepard's t-shirt on over her underwear. By the time she was done, Kaidan was in his boxers, sitting on the bed, staring at her with haunted eyes. He held out his arms as she approached and Liara let him pull her into his lap, comforted by the physical contact. Kaidan didn't kiss her, just pressed his cheek to her forehead and rocked back and forth a little.

“She should be here,” he said. His voice was rough with grief and alcohol. Oh, Shepard, Shepard, come back, please come back, Liara thought wearily. It had been her constant, dull refrain for two human years. Perhaps now it would be again. Kaidan hauled them both up the bed, picking up Shepard's pillow and wrapping it in his embrace with her. Liara shut her eyes as he buried his face in it, just as she had done two days ago. It was losing Shepard's scent already, having been much handled by them both. Soon there would be nothing left that smelled like her. She was too drunk to cry over it.

“Why did she have to die, Liara?” Kaidan whispered.

“Because that's what the Reapers do. They kill.”

“But why did it have to be _her?”_

“There was no one else,” she said numbly.

“I would have gone instead. God, I'd give anything to save her.” Anything except the galaxy, Liara thought. “I hate that I survived her. Fuck, _twice._ It isn't fair! Just this once, would it have been so goddamned hard – ”

“Don't.”

“What?”

“Don't say you wish you'd died with her. Oh goddess, the only thing worse than this would have been losing both of you.” She clung to him, fingers digging into his shoulders, face buried in his neck. After a moment, his arms tightened around her.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean...” She shook her head.

“It doesn't matter. I'm just so damned drunk. Let's go to sleep, Kaidan.”

“All right.” Liara slipped off his lap as Kaidan set Shepard's pillow on the comforter, smoothing it with careful hands. They got under the covers together. He buried his face in her chest as she lay back on her pillow, putting her arms around him. Kaidan shut his eyes and breathed deep.

“It's almost like she's here,” he whispered, rubbing his nose against their dead bondmate's shirt. “Fuck, Shepard. God, we need you so bad.” Liara tangled her fingers in his hair as at long last he began to cry.


	9. Kaidan

_All in green went my love riding_  
 _on a great horse of gold_  
 _into the silver dawn._

_four lean hounds crouched low and smiling  
_ _the merry deer ran before._

_Fleeter be they than dappled dreams_  
 _the swift sweet deer_  
 _the red rare deer._

\- e.e. cummings, “all in green went my love riding”

 

* * *

 

_The alarm is going off._

_“Shepard, wake up. You have a briefing.”_

_“Nngh.”_

_“Shepard!” He puts his head under his pillow as Liara prods their bondmate._

_“Mmh. Fine.” Someone slaps the alarm off, and then cold air rushes in against his side as Shepard clambers out from under the covers. He rolls over, fetching up against Liara in a sleepy quest for warmth. She kisses his shoulder as he wraps an arm around her waist._

_“Good morning, dearest,” she murmurs._

_“Yeah, that's it, rub it in.” The bathroom door hisses shut. Kaidan lies there, content, listening to the running tap and Liara's heartbeat._

_“Good morning,” he sighs, finally opening his eyes. She's smiling down at him, all eyes and freckles and gentleness. He cups her cheek in his hand, drawing her down for a long, slow kiss. Liara snuggles against him, her skin softer and smoother than any human's all down the length of her, even the soles of her feet, flirting with his under the covers. She presses him back against the pillows, her tongue slipping into his mouth, and Kaidan groans a little, heat surging through him. Liara grinds her hips against his thigh, lustful and sleepy._

_“God._ Very _good morning,” he says._

_“Mmm.”_

_“This is cruel and unusual.” Shepard is crossing back toward the bed, clad only in her underwear. Liara stretches out a hand and Shepard sits beside her, taking it and kissing the inside of her bondmate's wrist. “Don't you have some work to do, Major?” she demands, her cheek in Liara's palm._

_“I don't go on duty til 1100 today. They needed another pair of hands in Engineering last night.” She mock-scowls at him._

_“Not all of us move the duty roster around when we work late, soldier.”_

_“Not all of us are a certain Commander who_ always _works late either, love.” Shepard grins, shaking her head._

_“Guilty, I guess.”_

_“You guess, do you?” Liara says._

_“Yeah, I do. Oh, fuck, I have to get ready for this thing. These Cerberus bastards. As if attacking the Citadel weren't enough, now they gotta drag me out of bed for another damned meeting with Intel.” She bends down to kiss Kaidan, her damp hair falling around his face as her mouth clings to his. Then she turns to Liara, who cups her face between her hands and bites her lower lip gently. Kaidan loves seeing them together, not just in these intimate moments but all the time – Shepard's hand brushing Liara's shoulder for a moment in the corridor, or the two women joking as they make the bed. Shepard likes to perch on one end of the couch and do her performance reviews while Liara curls up in the corner, engrossed in the mobile interface of her omni-tool, one of them getting up now and then to refresh the other's mug of tea. They've caught him watching them with a silly smile on his face so many times now that they make fun of him for it – enjoying the show tonight, Major? Ooh, look at those two workaholics, so sexy, such bad girls, and they look at each other and laugh. Shepard rises with a groan and Liara snuggles under Kaidan's chin, fingers playing lightly over his bare chest as the Commander dresses. He kisses her forehead._

_“You guys are jerks. We will discuss this. Tonight. At length.”_

_“I'll clear my schedule,” Liara murmurs. Shepard heads out the door, laughter hanging in the air behind her. “Poor Shepard. She works too hard.”_

_“You're one to talk, sweetheart.”_

_“I suppose I am.” Kaidan chuckles, thinking of all the nights Liara spends down in her office managing her intelligence network instead of curling up with him and Shepard in the Commander's cabin._

_“You suppose, eh?”_

_“Yes, I do.” She rubs her nose against his and he surges up to kiss her, holding her tight. Liara feels so light on top of him, lacking Shepard's muscle mass and the weight of human bones, her body soft and fragile-seeming in his arms although he knows her core is all dark energy and steel. She straddles him, sitting up just a little, her breasts brushing against his chest. Kaidan takes a nipple in his mouth as she rubs herself against him lightly; he strokes her with his tongue and Liara catches her breath. He can feel himself getting hard under her, and she feels it too, reaching down to touch his cock with those smooth little fingers._

_“God, Liara...”_

_“Look at me.” Her low voice carries all the force of a command. Kaidan opens his eyes and hers are blue, blue, and then he can feel her, his skin hot under her hands, his cock thick and hardening rapidly against her. Pleasure hums through her, deep and patient in that asari way, lacking the burning urgency of human arousal, but his excitement is a prickle on her skin. She's gazing down at him, his body deliciously naked and all hers, and he stretches and arches his back just to feel her lick her lips as he loses his hands in the pillows. And then her hand is tight around his cock, catching the foreskin against her palm with the surety of the joining and long practice, and she's stroking up and down his shaft. Kaidan shuts his eyes as sensation washes over him._

_She teases him a little, tantalizing him – them both – by withholding each caress until he just begins to beg. Now her fingers are looser, now tighter, her hand catching just under the head of his cock or slipping up around the rim of it and making him groan at the pressure on his most sensitive spot. She strokes him slowly, oh god faster, please, fuck, please,_ ah, _harder, please please harder_ yes, _and then the thrill of her fingertips on his balls, oh Jesus fuck Liara... Kaidan's panting, openmouthed, eyes shut, lost in her touch and her excitement at his surrender and the way she rides his cresting pleasure. He feels himself flexing through her hands even as he comes, moaning, semen white on his chest and belly. She bends before Kaidan can parse the impulse, his head still spinning, and he gasps as she sucks the last drops of it out of him. The swirl of her tongue makes him shudder – she learned that trick from Shepard, he thinks dimly – and then she releases him, leaving one soft kiss on the head of his cock by way of farewell._

_“Mmh.” He catches his breath as she wipes his chest clean, half his mind on the way his body tingles and the other half absorbed in the small, satisfied smile on Liara's lips. “Come here.” She kisses him hungrily, tossing the dirty t-shirt on the floor, and Kaidan rolls onto his side, pulling her with him. His arm pokes uncomfortably against her waist and so he moves it up, letting her lay her head on his bicep as she curls a leg around his hips. Much better. He kisses her neck and shoulder, feeling her pleasure as he sucks gently on her skin, and slips a hand between her legs._

_“Oh –_ ah _...” He rubs her gently, fingers moving in slow circles. God, she is ready, her azure warm and ridged under his hand, and as he touches her she trembles. Where his pleasure is all rise and intensity, hers is a sweeping arc of bliss, pouring through their bodies as he strokes her faster and faster, pressing down deeper and deeper. Kaidan can never keep his head far enough above the surge of sensation to do anything clever for her, so he just loses himself in it, diving down into how good she feels, his lips pressed against her skin as he breathes with her._

 _“God, oh fuck,” he groans. He might be hard again but he can't tell, can hardly feel his own body beside Liara's, just her fragile skin and the rush she gets with every downward sweep of his fingers. She's crying out, one hand locked in his hair, his arm and solid shoulder providing her with ballast as the waves of pleasure come crashing down over them. No, yes, right there, right there Kaidan, don't, oh don't stop don't_ stop _– and Liara climaxes with a long, breathy moan, her muscles going slack against him. Kaidan strokes her til the ecstasy drops from a howl to a murmur echoing between them, and draws his hand away, holding her close as she kisses him. The joining dissipates, Liara releasing him gently back into himself with a rush of love as sweet as her embrace, and they lie there together, bodies intertwined, too blissfully lazy to tuck themselves back under the blankets..._

The dream ended. Kaidan lay still for a moment, cozy under the covers, the tiniest of smiles on his face. That night, Shepard would... No. Shepard was dead. The memories hit him like a ton of bricks, battering him fully awake, physically painful in their immediacy and their terrible weight. She was gone, she would never leave them snuggled up in bed again, would never put her arms around him, would never kiss Liara slow and sweet... A low moan of pure misery escaped him. At his back, he felt Liara shudder. Kaidan rolled over carefully, feeling his hangover the moment he moved. Even in the dark cabin, his eyes ached. Beside him in bed, Liara was weeping silently.

“What is it, sweetheart?” he asked, his voice rough. He put an arm around her, the dream fresh in his mind. Holding her against him as Shepard dressed behind them, _You guys are jerks_ – there were tears on his cheeks, too.

“Oh, Kaidan. I dreamed about us – she was _there,”_ Liara sobbed.

“Yeah. So did I.”

“It was that day... Just after Cerberus hit the Citadel, she had to get up for a b-briefing, and you and I, we.” She couldn't go on. Shock hit him like cold water to the face.

“We were together,” he whispered. Liara nodded. “I dreamed about it too.”

“W-what? When?”

“Just now. We – you – we finished and we were just laying there...”

“You held me,” she quavered.

“And then that night Shepard wanted to... discuss it.”

“Yes.” Liara pulled back to look at him, momentarily startled out of her tears. “How could we have both...?”

“Did we join in our sleep?” It didn't seem likely, not after, well. They hadn't joined since Shepard's death. Kaidan was too afraid of what might happen, and he suspected Liara felt the same. But she was shaking her head.

“I do not think that's possible. Anyway I would know, I'd feel it.”

“Just a coincidence, I guess.” He was too upset to care. Liara looked troubled, but tears overwhelmed her before she could pursue the point.

“Oh g-goddess,” she sobbed, burying her face in his chest. Kaidan clung to her, beginning to weep in earnest himself. Visions of Shepard inundated him – her crooked smile, her lips on Liara's wrist, her hand on his neck, her clean, wet hair, her laugh, _Don't you have some work to do, Major?_ She would never make fun of him again. He held Liara tight. Fuck, fuck, fuck this fucking war. Fuck the Reapers, fuck everything that had taken her away. How could Shepard not have found a way to survive? She always found a way. Always. His invincible beloved, the victorious undead. But no, no, she was finally fucking gone, and all they had left were dreams and memories that cut like knives. God, but he'd loved her. Liara was wonderful, so precious, and Shepard wasn't there to treasure her with him. She should have been there. She should always have been there. What good was eternal love if it didn't last forever?


	10. Shepard

_Kaidan is barely breathing. Shepard watches his chest rise and fall, rise and fall, searches intently for the flutter of a pulse at his throat, fists clenched on her knees. He has to live, she thinks, he_ has _to. If he fucking dies, goddamn it she'll kill him herself. Stubborn asshole. She buries her face in her hands, seeing the door exploding off the burning shuttle, watching Kaidan put his body between the attacking mech and Liara, lying injured on the ground behind him, and then the mech picking him up and slamming him into the shuttle again and again... Her fingers are knotted in her own hair, every muscle in her body rigid. It makes a poor substitute for crying._

_“Is there any change?” It's Liara. Shepard takes a deep breath._

_“No.” The asari perches on the edge of the desk and rests a hand on her lover's shoulder._

_“We'll be on the Citadel soon. The doctors there should be able to help him.”_

_“If it's not too late.” Silence._

_“Don't give up hope. He may pull through.” Shepard grits her teeth._

_“He better. Fuck, he can't go like this. I need to talk to him, I_ need _this to not be it. Goddamn it, Liara, he can't leave us again!” She presses the heels of her hands to her closed eyes, furious with Cerberus and Kaidan and most of all herself._

_“Us?”_

_“He walked out on us – fuck! If he fucking gets himself killed, I'll never forgive him.”_

_“He didn't leave us, dear heart. He left me.”_

_“Yeah, to rescue me on your own! And then when I came back, you were there and he – was –_ gone!”

_“It ended so long ago, Shepard.”_

_“For you, maybe. It's only a year and a half for me.”_

_“I know. I'm sorry.” Shepard looks up at Kaidan's battered profile; Liara's face is sorrowful in her peripheral vision._

_“We had maybe ten or fifteen minutes alone together today. I spent all of it yelling at him.”_

_“Oh, my dear...”_

_“It was so goddamn stupid. I just – seeing him again. I thought I was past it. How long has it been since I saw him on Horizon, a year? Fifteen months? God. I miss him so much, Liara. I miss you both so much.” Liara squeezes her shoulder gently._

_“I am not going anywhere, my love.” Shepard takes her hand and presses it to her cheek._

_“Thank you,” she says._

~~~

_“Kaidan.”_

_“Hey, Shepard.”_

_“I came as soon as I heard. How are you?” The black and purple bruising on his face looks painful, but his brown eyes are alert as he looks up at her from his hospital bed._

_“I'm all right. Doc says I'll be all right, I mean. Implant got a little – well, rattled, I guess. I'm supposed to keep the biotics offline for awhile. But no permanent damage.”_

_“Thank god.”_

_“Hey, sit. You're killin' me here.” Kaidan chuckles a little, inviting her to share the joke. Shepard smiles nervously as she takes a seat at the bedside. He doesn't seem angry, but she feels almost as if he should be – that she would deserve it if he were._

_“I'm glad to see you,” she says._

_“Me too. Look, Shepard. About Mars, and Horizon...”_

_“Please, Kaidan, it doesn't matter. I'm just happy you're okay.” She catches his eyes earnestly, desperate for him to believe her._

_“Wait. I want you to know, whatever doubts I was shooting my mouth off about – I just want to say that I trust you. All that bullshit... I wasn't being fair to you. You deserve better from me. I'm sorry.” Kaidan's face is serious, firm. Shepard flinches at the apology._

_“I'm the one who should be saying sorry, Kaidan. I wasn't -- I knew...”_

_“We don't have to – ”_

_“Please, I want to. Unless, unless you don't.” Kaidan presses his lips together._

_“No, it's okay. Go ahead.”_

_“I – whatever impression I may have given you, I want you to know that it wasn't anything Liara said to me that... She was never anything but honest. I don't think she's the slightest bit angry at you. I was so pissed that I chose to ignore facts so I could keep on blaming you. And that was crazy, and stupid, god, Kaidan, I'm so sorry. It's just...” Shepard put her head in her hands. "Fuck. God, I've missed you so much.” He lets the silence stretch long enough that she peeks up over her fingers at him. His eyes glitter with suppressed emotion._

_“I'm sorry,” she says again._

_“You're involved with her again, aren't you?” Kaidan says softly. Shepard swallows._

_“It never stopped.” She sighs. “She saved my life, Kaidan. She's the reason I was with Cerberus in the first place.” He looks blank._

_“What do you mean?”_

_“She got them my body. Without her, they never could have done – this.” She gestures to herself, spreading her hands helplessly. Kaidan shakes his head, openmouthed._

_“I – I don't know what to say. I can't – fuck.”_

_“I'm sorry. That's a hell of a bomb to drop on you in here, isn't it? Shit.”_

_“No, I'm glad you told me. Shepard...”_

_“Yeah?” Kaidan holds out a hand to her and she takes it, hesitantly. His fingers curl around hers, warm and calloused. Shepard sighs softly._

_“It's really good to see you,” Kaidan says._


	11. Shepard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love feedback on this chapter. Is it in character? Plausible? I know the writing's not great, I've been blocked as hell on this piece for some reason. I'm just happy I have enough to post a new chapter at this point tbh...
> 
> ETA: I deleted Ch. 12 because I fucked it up. I'll post more when I write more lmao, I haven't forgotten about this fic, I swear. I'm just garbage... 2015 has been a weird year. Unfortunately my fic writing has been one of the things that got edged out by all the insanity in my life. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things. Started a new ME2 playthrough and everything! Whee.

_Liara's in her office, but for once, she isn't working – just sitting on the end of her bed, staring into space. She blinks as Shepard steps across the threshold, coming back to herself with a little shake. There's medical tape on her cheek, sealing a cut that came courtesy of Kai Leng's antics on the Citadel that morning._

“ _Greetings, Commander,” the drone chirps from its corner. Shepard ignores it and sits down beside Liara on the bed. The asari leans her head on the Commander's shoulder with a sigh._

“ _You okay?” Shepard asks._

“ _That was an ugly scene back there.”_

“ _Yeah.”_

“ _Holding a gun on Kaidan...”_

“ _I know.” Shepard wraps an arm around Liara's shoulders, her mouth tight._

“ _Cerberus bastards. But I never thought Udina would betray the Council like that. I'm the Shadow Broker and even I did not see it coming! Did you?”_

“ _No. I mean, I always thought he was an asshole, but I recommended him for the fucking job in the first place. This war – Christ. Can't trust anyone anymore. Or hardly anyone.”_

“ _I know. But what about you, Shepard? Are you all right?”_

“ _Yeah, I'm fine. Just pissed.”_

“ _You shot Udina.”_

“ _Fuck Udina.” Liara laughs a little._

“ _Fair enough,” she says. Shepard takes a deep breath._

“ _Listen, Liara, there's something I need to tell you. You're probably gonna yell at me for not asking you first, but – ” She bites the inside of her lip, anxious._

“ _Please, just say it.”_

“ _I'm bringing Kaidan back onto the Normandy.” Liara goes very still beside her. Shit, Shepard thinks. Oh, fucking hell._

“ _Why?” Liara asks. Shepard stares at her knees, letting her arm drop from around her lover's shoulders._

“ _Well, he requested the transfer. He's good on a ground team, and we could sure use him. Garrus is filling in fine as my XO, but this is an Alliance vessel again and he's not technically cleared for it. Besides, his time is better spent on weapons maintenance. Kaidan's Army, not Navy, but he's also a Spectre, and he'd be perfect as my 2IC. You know his qualifications.” Liara's silence swallows up this little speech; Shepard sits for a moment in the quiet, tense, chewing on her tongue. Her heart doesn't beat faster when she gets nervous anymore._

“ _Look, I won't lie to you. I've missed him. You know that. I just – want him around. I mean, it's been years. Being colleagues again... that's not nothing.” Liara sits up straight, meeting Shepard's eyes squarely._

“ _Are you making some sort of play for a romantic relationship, Shepard? Please, be honest.”_

“ _I'm not gonna try to pretend it never crossed my mind. But I wouldn't_ _abuse my rank like that – or your trust. I'm not gunning for him, Liara. I don't have some... agenda. This war is bigger than that; besides, you and me, we're – this is important. What we had with Kaidan was – ” She swallows. “But it's over. It's been over. We were friends and comrades for a long time before we got involved, and we're all professionals here. Can't we just do our jobs?” Liara is searching her face, intent._

“ _The Normandy really could use him,” Shepard says. The asari sighs, nods._

“ _Yes. I know.”_

“ _I haven't been sitting on this for days or anything. You didn't hear about it earlier because the decision was made in the docking bay about an hour ago. I came down to tell you as soon as I could. If you're uncomfortable – ”_

“ _Shepard.” Liara puts a hand on her arm. “I will be fine. There is no animosity between Kaidan and I; you know that.”_

“ _I guess I've been the one causing all the trouble between the three of us since day one, huh,” Shepard says, smiling sardonically. Liara chuckles._

“ _No, dearest. You have been doing your best in a very bad situation for a long time now.”_

“ _This has been the weirdest fucking breakup I've ever been through.” Liara hugs Shepard gently._

“ _I am not sure I would call it a breakup. An end, maybe. But perhaps not.”_

“ _What?”_

“ _You are not the only one who has missed the Major, my love.”_

“ _But you said – ”_

“ _I said 'maybe'.” Shepard is so surprised she forgets to clamp down on the hope she can feel blossoming under her sternum._

“ _Really?” she breathes._

_Liara's only answer is a tiny smile._

~~~

“ _If you could take it back now – ”_

“ _No! God. But Cerberus? Th – Shepard.” The Commander is standing in the doorway, arrested by the tableau in front of her: Kaidan breaking off his speech hurriedly and turning to face her, putting his back to the broad window, while Liara leans against the glass, arms folded, mouth set, eyes sad.  Shepard glances back and forth between the two of them; she'd come down to brief her new XO, that was all. She shoves her hands in her pockets and steps across the threshold of Port Observation, letting the door close behind her with a whirr._

“ _Everything okay?”_

“ _Yes,” Liara says; “Yeah,” Kaidan answers at the same time. They look at each other._

“ _We were just talking,” Liara continues._

“ _Shooting the breeze, huh?” Shepard raises an eyebrow. Kaidan grimaces; Liara shakes her head._

“ _He doesn't think I should have turned you over to Cerberus three years ago.” The Major looks away, lips tight._

“ _I know it's none of my business, it's just...” He sighs._

“ _It's fine, Kaidan.” Shepard crosses to stand near the window, looking out past them both into the boundless sea of stars._

“ _I understand your misgivings,” Liara says. “I shared them. But there was no alternative.”_

“ _Even after – I mean, I have no right to even mention it – ”_

“ _Akuze?” Shepard asks, half-smiling._

“ _Well – yeah.” Kaidan lets out a frustrated breath, rubbing his forehead wearily. “I'm glad you're back, Shepard. I... don't know how to tell you how glad. But Cerberus... God, that must have been torture.”_

“ _It was.”_

“ _And you're, I mean...”_

“ _Okay with it? Like hell. Those murdering bastards had me on a fucking leash. I've still got their tech in me, their chips in my head, in my body. But Liara knew just as well as you and me what Cerberus had done. And I trust her. She never would have given me to them if there had been another way.”_

“ _Every day I am sorry for my part in what they did to you,” the asari says._

“ _You don't have to apologize. You saved my life.” Shepard rests a hand on her lover's shoulder._

“ _Nevertheless, I regret that you suffered.”_

“ _It was worth it, babe.” She smiles at Liara, who squeezes her hand, then glances past her with a lift of her chin; Shepard turns to see Kaidan leaning against the window, hand over his mouth, eyes dark._

“ _Are you okay?” she says._

“ _Um.” His voice is a little rough. “Yeah.” The Commander looks down, biting the inside of her cheek._

“ _Kaidan.” Liara's voice ripples through the quiet._

“ _Yeah?” And she reaches past Shepard, holding out a small, blue hand to him. The look on Kaidan's face as he wraps his fingers around hers is painful to see._

“ _We have missed you very much,” Liara says. Shepard is clenching her jaw, unwilling to meet anyone's eyes lest they see the pleading in her own._

“ _So have I. Shepard...” She takes a deep breath, shoving her hands back into her pockets._

“ _I didn't bring you here to make a pass at you, Kaidan. Or you babe, for that matter. My personal needs – what I want – what any of us want comes second to the war. I have to worry about the galaxy, not my fucking broken heart. So whatev – ”_

“ _Shepard.” Liara wraps a firm hand around her elbow._

“ _What?”_

“ _Hey.” Kaidan's fingers are warm on her shoulder, her chin, finally turning her face up to make her look at him. His eyes are still that vivid gold-brown, right now a million miles deep, full of a hope that makes her chest ache._

“ _Who broke your heart?” he asks. Shepard grabs his wrist, yanking his hand down._

“ _You!”_

“ _I – ” Kaidan looks past her, meeting Liara's eyes over her shoulder. Shepard can_ feel _the asari shake her head. She pulls back, turning so she can see them both._

“ _We loved each other so much, god, and I woke up, and you were just gone. It was over. You left us.”_

“You _left_ us,” _he says._

“ _I died!”_

“ _And we thought that was it. For so long. Jesus, Shepard. You got your heart broken? We_ mourned _you.”_

“ _And then I came back.”_

“ _Yeah. So did I.”_

“ _Hey!” Liara waits for a moment to be sure she has the humans' attention before she goes on. “It has been a long time since we were last together. I have missed you both so much. We've all suffered – quite a lot has happened to all of us – but... I can only speak for myself.” She looks down, picking at her nails, a nervous habit. “On the SR1, the three of us – we were so happy. I want that back, if it is possible. I want you both back.”_

“ _Really?” Kaidan manages after a long moment. Liara just gives him a look. “I mean – god. Of course – I – Shepard...”_

_One long step covers the ground between them, and finally, finally, she's in his arms again._

 


	12. Liara

    may came home with a smooth round stone  
as small as a world and as large as alone.
    
    \- e.e. cummings, “maggy and milly and molly and may”
    
    

* * *

    
    _Liara -_
    
    _It looks like smaller packets have a better chance of getting through the interstellar comms so I'll keep this brief. Your remote base is intact and the facilities and I are safe. What remains of the agent network is coming back up as repairs on the Relays progress. This fucking drone has proved invaluable now that I've muted it. I'm having it resend this message every orbit pending pingback from an authorized respondent. Once we're in touch I'll work on linking our systems; til then I'm holding all data._
    
    _I hope the fleet came through all right. I am so sorry about the Commander. The galaxy mourns with you._
    
    _\- Feron_
    
     ##
    
    _Dr. T'Soni,_
    
    _Thank you for the update. I have authorized priority 1 clearance for your transmissions through the Sol Relay for the next two cycles. Alliance Command appreciates your continued assistance with the repairs. The science and engineering teams have asked me to pass on their gratitude personally. Hopefully there is useful data available in your information backlog._
    
    _Adm. Hackett_
    
     ##
    
    _Liara,_
    
    _Do you have any information on the rachni in one of your databases somewhere? The rachni members of the Crucible Project have been invaluable in our work on the relay, but I'm surprised they're able to think on their own, so far from the Queen. I always thought rachni were a hive mind? Well, maybe she sent us some of the smart ones. I'm just curious, don't take any time digging for an answer to this question. It's hardly urgent. They're doing fine, whether I understand it or not._
    
    _Thanks._
    
    _Tali_
    
     ##
    
    _Hey Liara,_
    
    _We've completed repairs on the damn hull, finally. I'm still working on fine-tuning the targeting system, but our weapons are functional. Adams is still having trouble with the drive core; trouble with the power supply, and the containment field is going in and out, apparently. I think we probably blew out half the power couplings and Spirits know what else getting out of Terra's gravity well, but Adams says they were probably already damaged. Good thing Tali took care of the kinetic barriers before she left to work on the Sol Relay, she got them up and running twice as fast as we would've. So that's where we're at with the Normandy. I'll let you know once Engineering has us running at full capacity again. Tell me if your power goes out again and we'll figure something out._
    
    _How are you doing? Funny living on a ship this damn small and not seeing your crewmates for cycles on end. If you ever want to get out of your office, see a friendly face, buzz me._
    
    _Best,_
    
    _Garrus_
    
     ##
    
    _Hi Liara,_
    
    _Intel's bothering me about your data again. Let me know when the download's complete, would you? Maybe they'll leave me alone for a day or two if I tell them Glyph's started parsing it or something._
    
    _I'm all right. Could be worse, I guess. Mostly I'm just.. tired. Trying to focus on work. You're right, too damn hard to get anything done when you're feeling like this. Fuck. I miss her so much._
    
    _Will I see you tonight?_
    
    _Love, Kaidan_


	13. Kaidan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took like... 8 months. The last year or so has been.. really, really bad. I'm glad I got a little burst of energy to add to this fic. I know how I want to end it, I just need to, you know, write it. I'll do it when I can. I really want to finish this piece. I really like it.
> 
> Sorry everyone. Thanks for reading.

“‘You will be ever hearing but never understanding;  
    you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.  
For this people’s heart has become calloused;  
    they hardly hear with their ears,  
    and they have closed their eyes.  
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,  
    hear with their ears,  
    understand with their hearts  
and turn, and I would heal them.’ 

    – Matthew 13:14-15, _The Bible (New International Version)_

* * *

 

    _  
Kaidan,_
    
    _I think Liara's inbox is clogged or something so I'm sending this to you. She sent me some data on the rachni and some of it was useful, but there were also a couple of weird items? There was some literary analysis and a paper on exolinguistics, among other things. If she's got a moment, she should probably run a diagnostic on that drone of hers. I think there's something wrong on with its data parsing algorithm._
    _Anyway, back to work._
    
    _\- Tali_
    
    _##_
    
    _Maj. Alenko –_
    
    _I served with Shepard during the mission against the Collectors. I just want to send you and the crew of the Normandy my condolences. The Commander was an incredible woman, and her loss will be felt throughout the galaxy. My wife and I mourn her as well. Shepard's the only reason my daughter is here with us today._
    _If I can ever do anything for you or the crew of the Normandy, I'd consider it a personal favor if you'd let me know. I'm stationed on the Lyra, but I'm pretty sure I can get a transfer if I request one. Otherwise, I'd be honored to funnel resources or manpower your way however I can._
    _My thoughts are with you all._
    
    _Sincerely,_
    
    _Spc. Jacob Taylor_
    
    _##_
    
    _Major Kaidan Alenko:_
    
    _Our thanks for your data regarding the remnants of CRUCIBLE. It will doubtless be valuable in RELAY TEAM's continued repairs of SOL RELAY. Please extend to your crew, kindest regards._
    
    _Sincerest Good Wishes,_
    
    _RACHNI CRUCIBLE TEAM_
    
    _##_
    
    _Major –_
    
    _Give me a call when you get this. We've had a strange request coming through the relay for you and I want your verification on it. The sender has given us clear proof that she's working for the rachni, but I'm not clear on Shepard's involvement here. It must have something to do with having saved the rachni Queen on Noveria five years ago. Can you confirm? I ask because as I recall you were part of that mission – am I mistaken? I've granted passage through the relay, but detailed three fighters to fly a guard detail for the rachni ship once it reaches Solar space._
    _The message is attached. Please respond ASAP._
    
    _Hackett_
    
    _FWD: <TO-MAJOR-KAIDAN-ALENKO-DOCKING-REQUEST.msg>_
    _CC: Liara T'Soni_
    
    _##_
    
    _Maj. Alenko, Greetings._
    
    _I am a friend of the late Cmdr. Shepard's. I believe I have information that may be of some value to yourself and Dr. T'Soni. I have obtained a clearance to pass through the Sol relay in 22 Solar hours. Will you grant me docking clearance to the Normandy? It is urgent that I speak with you. This concerns the rachni Queen as well as the Commander._
    
    _Sincerely yours,_
    
    _Alinata_
    
    _##_
    
    _Kaidan,_
    
    _Adm. Hackett sent me a very odd message just now, something about an asari seeking docking clearance with the Normandy? Both she and the Admiral mentioned the rachni. Hackett seems to think it has something to do with Noveria. Do you have any idea what this might be about?_
    
    _Liara_

 


	14. Shepard

    _Kaidan is bleeding. It's gushing out of his hardsuit, dripping down from the wounds in his chest and thigh in thick, black rivulets, pooling on the slag beneath him as he struggles to rise. Liara's at his side, wrapping his arm around her shoulders, supporting him as she drags him to his feet._
    _“Shepard – ” she yells._
    _“There!” Shepard signals them to cover, her heart in her throat, scrambling for it herself as she pulls up her comms. Liara and Kaidan are beside her just moments later; Kaidan is gasping. Shepard can see Liara's blood too, running down her face from a cut on her temple, and standing out in high contrast against the white armor over her stomach, glinting in the light of the reapers' transit beam up to the Citadel._
    _“Normandy! I need an evac, now!” Shepard shouts into her comms._
    _“Roger! On our way.” She's never been so glad to hear Joker's voice in her life._
    _“Good, we'll get Kaidan out of here, and then we – ”_
    _“Like hell!” Kaidan breaks off, coughing._
    _“You've got blood in your lungs,” Shepard says, reaching out toward him to touch him on the shoulder: useless, helpless as Kaidan continues to hack and wheeze. She doesn't know much about first aid beyond the most basic of field medicine – certainly nothing about internal bleeding._
    _“You can't leave me, dammit!” Kaidan chokes on air; by the concern on Liara's face, Shepard guesses she can feel his breath bubbling in his chest even through his armor._
    _“Kaidan, you'll die!” the asari says._
    _“But – but we – ” Kaidan wheezes._
    _“What about you, Liara? What's that?” Shepard points to the wound on her lover's belly. Liara covers it with a hasty hand._
    _“It's nothing,” she says._
    _“Don't you dare give me that, not now.” For a moment, Liara's eyes bore into hers, the two women glaring at each other, iron sparring with steel. At last, Liara looks away._
    _“I'll be fine,” she says._
    _“Bullshit.”_
    _“Evac incoming, Commander!” It's Joker on the comms, and then there's a shriek of engines, the heavy thrum of the mass effect core, and a blast of displaced air as the Normandy swoops in._
    _“Come on!” Shepard yells. She grabs Kaidan under one arm, hauling him upright, Liara supporting him on the other side. Together the two women drag him toward the shuttle bay doors as they slide open and the ramp lowers._
    _“Shepard – ” Kaidan gasps “ – please!”_
    _“If you come with me you'll die, Kaidan.” They pause on the gangway, and Shepard heaves Kaidan into Liara's arms. The asari catches him, not breaking eye contact with the Commander._
    _“What about me?” Liara demands._
    _“You're wounded, Liara! You both need to stay here! Go with the Normandy.”_
    _“But Shepard, I can – ”_
    _“Listen to me, dammit! I'm in the best shape of all of us. I have the best chance of surviving this. If I bring you with me – if I – if you – ” Shepard doesn't know what her face looks like these days; her chest doesn't tighten and shudder when she's upset anymore; her breath doesn't catch. But she's frantic, desperate, for Kaidan and Liara to make it, to survive. Her loves, her beloveds – if they – she can't even think it. But Kaidan is crying, and Liara's face is painful to see._
    _“Shepard, please – don't leave us again,” Kaidan rasps._
    _“At least take me,” Liara begs. “Let me do this with you. Let me help.”_
    _Shepard looks up at them both, clenching her jaw._
    _“Please,” Liara says._
    _Shepard reaches up to touch their cheeks, brush her thumbs over their lips; her bondmates clutch at her hands, clinging to her._
    _“I love you both so much,” the Commander says, meeting their eyes in turn, trying to pour every ounce of adoration, of comfort, of caring and fear and joy and longing, every dream, every whispered promise – trying to pour five years of love into a single look. “Both of you. Liara, Kaidan – ”_
    _Shepard surges up, kissing Kaidan on the lips, then Liara, tasting the harsh tang of Kaidan's blood and the mellow bitterness of Liara's as she does so. Her bondmates cling to her, hands fisting in her hair, refusing to let her go._
    _“Come with us,” Kaidan whispers. Shepard can hear the hopelessness in his voice._
    _“I can't. Someone has to do this.”_
    _“You've done so much already, Shepard,” Liara says. Shepard lets out a harsh breath of laughter._
    _“Then I better get it done, huh?”_
     _“Sweetheart...” Kaidan disentangles his fingers from her hair, touches her cheek gently. His eyes are losing focus – how much blood has he_ lost, _Shepard wonders, worrying – but his hand is steady against her face._
    _“I love you,” he says._
    _“I love you too,” Liara murmurs. “Please come back.”_
    _“Please,” Kaidan says._
    _Shepard just looks at them. She doesn't know what to say – doesn't know what's left to say after everything that's happened, after all this time. She grips them both by the shoulder, carefully, tightly, just once, praying that everything churning in her heart is visible in her eyes, and drinking in the sight of her bondmates: Liara, bloodied and blue-eyed, frightened, resolute, so old, so young, so beautiful, and Kaidan, strong and flagging, gloriously lovely, terrified and accepting her decision all at once; Shepard fixes the moment in her mind, resolving to carry it with her until the very end._
     _“I will_ always _love you,” she says. “Always.”_
    _“Always,” Liara whispers, eyes filling. Kaidan's lips shape the word, but he's sagging against Liara, struggling to breathe, it seems._
    _“Get him the hell to the med bay!” Shepard orders. Liara nods, hitching Kaidan up against her. They share one last look, an agreement – I'll survive if you survive – keep him alive – an oath sworn in the blink of an eye._
    _And then Shepard turns away, her stride down the gangway lengthening into a sprint as she reaches the slag below the ship, and she runs toward the beam with every ounce of energy left in her, hands clamped around her gun, Kaidan and Liara's faces burning behind her eyes._
     Well, this is it, _she thinks. And then the world goes white._

 


End file.
